he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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