Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
