you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
