It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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