Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize