so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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