we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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