The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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