come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I had to cum in my sink.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
