u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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