He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
