Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
