I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
