he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
