I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
