Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
