ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
