How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize