You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
