When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
