from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The struggles of a small town man whore
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
