My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I want her autograph on my taint
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
