so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
