Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
