Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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