Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
