The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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