This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I don't deserve a penis
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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