Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
foreskin is a definite game changer
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
