Jerry, you need to find god
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
