we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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