Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
