Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize