Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
