I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
