There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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