Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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