Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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