I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
