I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Found the puke drawer
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Randomize