Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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