Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
