dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
