Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
