whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
