2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
