There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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