I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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