Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
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