sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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