some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
my liver is dry heaving
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
