the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
