he shaved USA in his pubs
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Pooping to opera.
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