Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
