The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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