Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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