Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
