there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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