Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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