I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
