we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize