could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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