I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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