We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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