if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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