Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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