Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
