so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
The Olympian is in my bed
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