my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
