Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
FUCK WHALES
last night I used snow as a chaser
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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