I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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