Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Randomize
