Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
