I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize