I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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