they need to just BURY HIM!
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
