I wish my penis had an off switch
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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