the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
